Tuesday, May 27, 2014

In the shadow of pain and loss...our Persian

Loss is never an easy thing. In all its flavors - human, pet, other - it reminds us of so many things - joy, pain, loneliness, friendship, love, hope. No matter what form it takes, no matter how we each find to cope.

Sometimes it is powerful, like a freight train. Other times, it is quiet and subtle and slow moving. Its depth and intensity vary from person to person, from loss to loss. Sometimes they come in waves, when the chips are down. Other times, they come when you are feeling strong enough to face them. Today would not be one of those days for me.

In recent months, our lives have continued to challenge us. We are struggling on so many levels, working hard to keep our heads above water. Forcing ourselves to remember, daily, that so many are suffering so much harder circumstance and diligently working to remember to be thankful for our state in life and for all we do have on a daily basis. 

It is a hard lesson to learn, to remain grateful, thankful, and blessed. It is easier to succumb to the pain. I've been down that road. But, with the help of family, friends, and now the most amazing man, I am learning how to pull myself back to that side instead of sliding ever deeper into the dark shadows of the pain, the fear, and the loss. 

Today was supposed to be a good day. My birthday. A day I don't really celebrate but one that usually offers me a chance to reflect that I've made it another year. Reflect on those things I still strive to change, the things I still strive to do, the person I still strive to be. I take stock in the things that have happened over the previous year and try to learn from what worked...and what didn't...and what I learned about myself... to help me forge a path forward.

I am grateful for a man who has helped to rebuild the strength inside of me. I am thankful for the family and friends who have surrounded me and helped me see, both good and bad, the components of my character. I am blessed to have been loved by so many fur-babies who needed me almost as much as I needed each and every one of them. You have all given more to me than I can ever repay, verbalize, or quantify.

But today started off with a quick reminder of the other side of that coin. The loss of our beloved JJ (Persian) in the early morning hours, before dawn even broke. 

Since today's birthday wish....simply to have more time with you...cannot come true, all I wish for is that you will be safe and warm and happy. That you won't miss us as painfully much as we will miss you. I hope and pray that the time until we see you again is nothing more than the blink of an eye to you. Know that every day, you will still be healing a huge hole in my heart that only you ever filled.

When I don't know what else to do, you know what I do...
...so I wrote this for you...

For J.J.

There is a warmth that comes from your heart. 
A warmth that touched my heart
that very first day.
Your eyes enveloped me 
and I felt my soul melt.
Somehow our journeys
brought us together.
Your path crossed mine.
From there, our hearts 
forever entwined.
Now, our paths diverge again
for a time
and my heart is aching to follow.
But my time...
it is not now.
I have more work to do,
though without you,
it feels empty and hollow.
The light you brought to my life
will flicker forever and on
until, with my last breath,
I can join you.
Until then, know
you changed my world.
Memories savored.
Lessons learned.
So many precious moments...
yet...far too few.
Until that day, your love will be held 
tight and deep inside my heart.
Always with me.
With you.
With us.
~ Chris D'Avanzo ~ 05/27/2014

Forever our boy...
Our shining beacon.
Your silent meow.
Our sweet boy.
Our Persian.
Our JJ
~ Chris and Terrell

Wednesday, May 14, 2014


I've tabled this for some time, starting a blog...

It's fluctuated between the back of my mind and the forefront of my writing brain...having a place to spew random thoughts as they eat away at my mind. 

While writing has, and always will, be one of my most creative and emotionally cleansing outlets, it's been reserved for inner monologues, protected written projects, and random ramblings in a variety of forums.

I've finally decided...the time has come...to open the flood gates and let the spewage begin. The topics I tackle here will be a product of the random, chaotic thoughts, topics, issues, and concerns constantly bouncing around my brain like emotionally-charged superballs, sometimes gaining momentum and trajectory and, at other times, falling flat on the ground to roll around without so much as a purpose or destination. 

So tread where you will. Leave your thoughts as you wish. Engage where you are driven. Or just cruise on by if your interest wanes or is lacking. 

This is an experiment and a project in self preservation more than a platform or a stage to entertain the masses so I understand my greatest audience may, oftentimes, only be my own future self...but even that can prove a teaching tool for the me I will encounter further down the road.

so... with that said...in the infamous words of my beloved Mr. Ledger....